Insecure

All day I have been beating up myself wondering if I am doing the right thing by letting myself get deeper in this relationship with you.

Yes it has only been a few weeks, but we are like two soulmates that have found each other.  The same likes and dislikes, the same life experiences, the same type of humour, the so very very same taste in food...... Is so very very uncanny.

It is like I have found a mirror image of myself..... my very soul.

And yet, this morning, I realised something.

It may be down to your youth, but this hardness about you that has come to fore, is really worrying me.

I do not know how to be anything but soft, kind and loving.  I do not understand or like the harshness of the world.  I feel we lose our soul when we take that cold path.

I feel so disloyal to you here when I put down my emotions...... But unlike you, I have no other outlet.  No vices.

I only have raw emotion.  Real.  Alive.  Full of love.  If I am wrong to be as I am, I would not be living.  I would only be existing.  And I would rather die.

Changes

I have notice subtle changes in you since Christmas.

A hardness that you had never shown you possessed is slowly surfacing.  And I am so very confused.

From the time we started on our little journey, there had always been words of love and care in your voice.....And yet now........ you have made me cry twice.....

I thought that all I am giving you now is what you wanted..... The unadulterated love.... unconditional..... soft..... intense.....words that only two lovers can understand......tenderness we both crave........

But today, you said it was overwhelming.  

Though at times when you express yourself to me, I am alarmed because of your emotions overtaking your good sense.  Though at times I disagree with your decisions, I still remain silent, knowing that should you need me, I will be right here for you..... That should you falter and fall, I will be here to catch you.....

This is as is.....

These blog is of my love letters to you.  

That is all it is.  This is all I want.  All my thoughts laid bare.  

And maybe when I am old and grey, I will look back and read them, and touch all the wounds and scars and remember the time we shared together...... the love we once had..... and (whether still together or not), I will know beyond a doubt that what we had was so very beautiful.

Tonight

Perhaps cracks are beginning to show.  

Am I to take heed?  Be warned?  Start backing away?  I dunno.

We were meant to talk about 2 hrs ago.  But you messaged me to say that you had to deal with your ex.  I gave you the benefit of doubt.  I would be patient till you tell me what was happening.

Then you messaged me to say you would be very late, knowing very well that I have long days and that I have not been too well today.

I wonder if I should write any of this down.  If I am being disloyal if I voice how I feel........But this is about love letters to you.  So I should tell you exactly how I feel.

I have been down this same path with someone else before.  And it was absolutely devastating and heart breaking.

Do you know what you want?  Do you actually want what we have found together?  Or do you want to cling to a past of loneliness and emptiness?

To You

I love you.

Fears

It is getting nearer to the date when you come to me again.

I am overrun with fears.  I really do not want you to be unhappy.  I wish only good things for you.

Am I good for you?........Self-doubt...... overwhelms me.

I tend to over think......over analyse.  That has always been me.  I do not like to make mistakes.  And if I truly feel this way about you, I cannot afford to make any mistakes least you end up unhappy.

You being happy and feeling truly loved, is all I really care about.  I will always only want that for you.  Even if you are being loved by someone else.

I wonder if I am being fair to you by letting you love me so......

Wondering

I cannot sleep.  I have been hit with sudden guilt.

Am I good for you?  Am I too old for you?  Will I make you happy?  Will you after a while tire of me?  Will we someday run out of things to say to each other?  Will we stop laughing together?

I fear our differences will be as wide as our similarities are identical.

I fear the old adage of "the flame that burns the brightest, burns out the fastest"......

And then what?

Should we dwell on magnifying our fears or should we just jump right in?

Then I look at all the photos I have taken of you while we talk..... you are beautiful..... and I fall right in.

Big Difference

You messaged me this evening.  And it was one of the few times that I really was not too excited to hear from you.

I guess my fears had risen to danger level.  Driving me into panic mode.

I have been down that path so many times before.  And those times have all ended in tears and heartache.

You keep texting.  I ask you why you cannot just call.  You do.

Your voice is like normal.  Like this morning/afternoon never happened.

You scare me.  You know my fears.  I cannot go down that painful road again.

Why can't you make more of an effort with me when you say you love me so.  When you know how I feel about you......

Maybe we both will need time to adjust.  I hope I will be worth your effort and you will prove me so wrong.

I hope that love will manage to conquer all.

All Day

When I called you this morning, you were slurring.  Making no sense at all.

Alarm bells went off in my head.  But I knew I had to give you the benefit of doubt.

You said you needed to sleep.  So I left you to your sleep.  Hopefully you would make more sense later.

I called you a few hours later.  You were still slurring and did no make much sense.  You told me that you needed more sleep and would call me when you woke up.

Distress was already rising steadily within me.

Back on Track

We are back on track!!! And I love it. 

You are your old sweet self and talk to me with words of love that I thought you had somehow forgotten to speak.

I am glad.  I am so glad.

Love Letters

I gave you your blog a little while ago.

I wanted your birthday to be real special.  I hope I succeeded.  I think I have.

I took many photos of your facial expressions as you read.  I believe you loved what I wrote, though there were moments that I felt you were on the verge of being a little upset..... But I just talked with you and you would smile that lovely smile of yours which so melts me.

I wish I could put all those photos up here so you can see the real you who are so beautiful to me..... You are such a beautiful soul.  I love you.

I am glad that I have managed to give you something that is just for you. I am glad that I have made you feel love in your heart.

You are watching me type.  You are waiting for me.  I am impatient to get back to you.

Happy Birthday

It is your birthday.  I called you 10 minutes before midnight, and told you to get the gift that I had you take back with you on your last visit to me.  The gift I made you promise not to open until you birthday.  

You are such a good person.  You should restraint and though you looked at the gift constantly, you did not open it.  You kept your word.

That says much to me about you.

You loved the gift I got you.  It was a watch because I figured that since we had met so late in time, a watch would signify that love was timeless, and our love would be for a long long time to come...... even when we are gone.

I asked you if you still felt you wanted to part from me.  Still felt you had to do so.

You said you just felt so guilty about your ex.  I do not understand why.  That person if an ex, should be part of the past.  Not in the present or future.

I asked if you were still bound by love there.  You said you were not.  It was just that you had been together for a long time.

I see you confusion.

You swing on an emotional swing erratically from one end to another.

I am patient.  I will wait till you are sure of what you want.

I asked you if I would get to hear your voice in the morning.

You said :"I am in love with you.  I love you so much."

Till morning then my love......

Crying

I am very confused.  

While I understand that you do not have an internet connection from where you are, and you message me intermittently, I cannot understand why you are so cold and distant.

I am very confused and wondering what kind of game you are playing with me.  If you are...... It will kill my heart.

You said you would call me when you came back. But all you messaged was "Back".  

When I called to find out what was really happening, you started to cry and tell me that you thought it was better for us to part.

Funnily I did not cry.  I felt if that was what you wanted, I would respect your wishes.  For is that not what unconditional love is about?

We spoke for a long time.  I could not hang up least it was the last time I spoke with you.  You did not hang up because deep down you did not want to end us.

You cried so much I really could not even begin to get angry with your sudden wanting to end us.  I just wanted you to be ok.  For that is all that matters to me.

We spoke till late in the night. 

To Go or Not

Today you started out with wondering if you should go to your ex for Christmas or not.

You told me that if I asked you not to, you would not go.

I told you I would not make that decision for you.

You said you would not go.

I told you you had given your word and you should keep it.

You said ok.

Sadly, on the drive up to your ex's place, you changed.  You became distant and cold.

Why?

Antsy

You are going away for Christmas with you ex.  

I am feeling antsy.  But I trust you.  Is that not what love is about?  Trust that the other will always do the right thing in a relationship.

The old me would have been over the edge with jealousy.  But the more mature me, is just calm about everything.  And taking things as they are.

You tell me you will be gone only a day.  You do not need to justify your need to go.  I understand.  I understand.

Love is trusting.  Love is you and me.

Walk Away

You sometimes tell me things that make me want to walk away......

And yet, I still stay.

Song....

"I could stay awake just to hear you breathing
Watch you smile while you are sleeping
While you're far away and dreaming
I could spend my life in this sweet surrender
I could stay lost in this moment forever
Every moment spent with you is a moment I treasure

Don't wanna close my eyes
I don't wanna fall asleep
'Cause I'd miss you, baby
And I don't wanna miss a thing

'Cause even when I dream of you
The sweetest dream would never do
I'd still miss you, baby
And I don't wanna miss a thing

Lying close to you feeling your heart beating
And I'm wondering what you're dreaming,
Wondering if it's me you're seeing
Then I kiss your eyes and thank God we're together
And I just wanna stay with you
In this moment forever, forever and ever

I don't wanna close my eyes
I don't wanna fall asleep"

Sending songs

I send you songs.  Love songs.  Songs full of meanings.

I wonder if you listen.  I wonder if you hear the meanings.

I am lost.........  I am so lost in you.

Like a drug

You are like an addictive drug that I never want to be free off.

I can spend all day listening to your voice and feeling like a juvenile.

Is this healthy?  Will we burn ourselves out?  

Oh but what a glorious way to go.

Baring all....

Last night you told things that I really did not want to hear.  You felt that you did not want to hide anything from me, and wanted to let me know everything about you.

I had more or less suspected something, but felt that if this was a real thing between us, there was nothing that we could not overcome in time.

I guess I felt a great let down.

I do not know what to think. I need time.

My heart tells me at least you are being honest.  My head tells me to be really careful.  My heart tells me to just trust in love.  My head tells me that love is usually blind and commits follies that will be detrimental to me.

I told you perhaps we should proceed cautiously.  

And while I sadly told you the reasons why...... you just cried.

In a few hours...........

In a few hours you will leave me.  And I will go back into my shell.

In a few hours you will miss me, as I will miss you with all the yearnings of a love struck juvenile.

I wonder how we are both going to be.  All the raw emotions on the surface.  I hope you will not do anything silly.  We must be adults about this.

All this is very very emotional.  Everything about new love is always exciting and crazy.  Unexplainable.  Passionate.  Sometimes just downright infatuation.

Is this pure infatuation???  I wonder.  But why does it all seem so intense and deep???

You have told me some of your secrets. They frightened me.  

But I want to save you.

Kisses

Tomorrow you leave me.  And I will be alone again.  I will be empty again.

How is this so?

I know I must not rush things.  I must not be frivolous with your feelings or mine.

I have to be strong for so many right reasons.

But oh...... the kisses....your kisses..... your soft lips...... they touch my soul.

All I want is to just kiss you and kiss you and kiss you.

Apart

Much as we could being two adults, we decided to hold onto to our raging hormones and not just rush into bed.

We had kissed way into the night, and at some point, difficult as it was, I shooed you into the guestroom.

Now here I sit at my computer, trying to compose my oh so raging emotions and thoughts.

Kisses

Well.......we met.

You were struck dumb with shyness.  You did not kiss me.  Hahaha....  So much for your bravado.

We talked non-stop.  You were most attentive.  Hanging on to my every word.

I reached out many times to touch your hand.  To still your awkwardness....  You could only gaze into my face with not many words to say.....  Some gawky star-crossed teenager..... Hahaha.....

We got home.  I asked you "Where is my kiss you promised?"  You gave me a quick peck.

I asked you in a challenge : Is that a kiss?

You responded quickly.  One kiss leading into another....and another....and another.

How long we were joined at the lips I do not know.  I know I was absolutely breathless and so were you.

December 8

Well......today is the day.

I pick you up at 1 p.m. from the train station.

My bed is almost covered with the various outfits that I am trying to choose from.  I want to look nice for you.

You asked me what you would remember best about me.  I told you it would be my smell.  I have been told that I have a certain fragrance about me.  I say it is just the baby lotion.

You tell me that you will be struck dumb when you see me.  You tell me it is different to show bravado on face time, but it is different in reality.

I tell you we shall see.

I teased you and asked you how you would greet me.  You said you would plant a kiss on my lips.

I told you we shall see.

Counting

We are both impatiently counting the days till we meet.

I do not know how we are going to be.  Positive or negative..... Only the when we meet will we know how things are.

Only 48 hours more to go.

I am counting the hours.  You laugh and tell me that you are even counting the minutes.

Finally Agreed

We have finally agreed to try a meet this weekend.

I am beside myself with nervousness.  You are the same.   You are worried that I will not like you.  I am not worried at all.  I take life as it comes to me.

You make me laugh and smile more than I have done in years.  There must be something really special about you.

Ex

Today you are out with your ex for the weekend.  

Apparently you keep in touch with her because of the 7 years you both had been together.

You were messaging me all day.  And vice-versa.

At one point when I was on a phone call with you, I heard you both arguing.  It surprised me because you sounded so harsh.

Are you harsh?  Will you be so with me?

Meet

I suggested we meet soon.  Probably in the New Year.  I will be busy until then.

You tell me anything is ok.  It is up to me.  You will just go along.

How I want to meet you even more.  

But I have commitments.  You have your's too.  We must respect both of those.

Teenager

I know we have only been speaking for a few days.....But it really seems like you have known me all my life.

You touch the deepest most hidden corners with your gentleness.  I wonder how this is so.

Is it because you have been so very hurt to before?

I just feel so juvenile again.  Just like a teenager.  Wild.

Sound

You have been busy all day with errands to run.

You rescued a pair of rabbits and they are your life.  You seem to love them a great deal.  Somehow, I envy them..... silly, frivolous though I may sound, I am.

I wonder what it would be like to be loved by you.

Infatuation?

Caught up in the moment?

I have not even spoken to you over the phone....... I feel I need to hear your voice.

Soon.

Ping....Ping....

 My days are getting a little hectic with work.  My schedules are getting more heavy.

Yet all it takes is a little "Ping - Ping" and I feel like I can conquer anything.

But for the moment, all I do is rush to see what you are saying to me today.......

Gentle

As like in the past few days, we again spent the whole day texting back and forth.

You teasing me.  Me teasing you.

And all I remember of the emoticons we used is that they were of the laughing ones.  

Our conversation texts are so happy and addicting.

For the first time in a long, long while, someone was actually making me laugh and smile.  

I smiled myself to sleep.  And again for the first time in months, I slept soundly, all through the night.

Like Yesterday

Like yesterday, just as I thought that our little texting game was over, a welcomed "ping".

My heart beat as I rushed to see if it was you.

It was.

My heart soared.

Hours Again

Like yesterday, we again texted throughout the day.

Finding out more about each other.  Sharing a little more of ourselves.....Shyly.....Daringly.....

I suddenly wanted to do nothing more than to play truant with my work, and spend my day rolling in bed texting with a perfect stranger.

Checking

I have been impatiently checking my phone.  

Should I message you?  Should I wait and see if you will message me.

Just as I wonder about why I am so taken by this little sudden flash of texting with a perfect stranger, my phone pings....... I get light-headed..... I have a big smile upon my face.....

It is you.

Morning Smile

Today, I woke up with a grin upon my face.  Excitement in my heart.  Nervous in my emotions.

I feel a little giddy headed.

Still Texting

Like everything new in life, the beginning is always the sweetest.

We have been texting for hours.

Playful......shy......inquisitive texting.  Feeling our way around getting to know each other.

It has been fun.  

I will see if I am still game for this tomorrow.

Hey Girl.........

When things are meant to be...... They just are.

We cannot explain why...... We cannot explain how.......They just are.

So it just started with a "Hey Girl...."