What a Day.

Perhaps I am too intense.  

Perhaps I do not belong in this harsh world.

I am not a mind reader.  I need to talk things out.  Say out loud what is the truth and how things are.

I do not know how to second guess.

For a person who is meant to be pretty intelligent, I am pretty stupid.

Indulgences and Excuses

I guess I am where I am at because I have always been disciplined and strong in everything that is me.

It is hard for me to understand when you do not want to see further down the road and make a bigger effort at making your life happier or successful.

You want to let what people say affect you.  Why?  They do not KNOW you.  They do not FEED you.  They do not LOVE you. They do not CARE about you....your well being.  So WHY are you so darn affected about what they say about you?

Grow up.  Be strong.  Be your own best friend. And NEVER NEVER let yourself down!

Tired

Getting a little tired of this roller-coaster ride.

I believe everything in life is an investment....... our health, our happiness, our relationships, our love, our future, etc......

This up and down of emotions is wearing thin.

Tribulations

I know every relationship has its trials and tribulations.

But we will work all this through.  We must.

Ever the romantic idealist, I believe that love can conquer anything if we let ourselves be guided by it.

I love you.

Do Not

DO NOT lie or cheat me of this love.

I will never ever forgive you if you do.

Confused

I just hate this roller-coaster you have put us on.  I just hate it.

I do not understand why you would jeopardise what we have.  I am so very confused.

Hah......So much for love!

Nightmare

For the first time I was privy to the other side of you last night.

It was disappointing, sad and hurtful.  

You were ranting and raving....... You were drunk.

I wonder how you could sink so low when you know how I feel about alcohol.  You know I am the child of an alcoholic.  You know how I have told you our relationship will go if alcohol would be a problem for you.  You knew.  You KNOW.

We spoke when you were sober, and I cried.  You had hurt my heart so.  I cannot understand how you could do that when you profess your deep love for me.

I told you I do not want to go down that path ever again in my life.  And I have left the choice up to you.  I know it is not easy.  I know it will not BE easy.

I hope you choose me.  Choose this love we thought we never would find.

Fear

Today, you did something that you had told me you would never do.  You left me in an ocean of fear.

You disappeared from us for more than half the day.  I was livid with worry.  You had told me that you would never do that to me because of my previous experiences.

Then why?  

I try and understand.  I try not to let my angry frustration get the better of me.  I need you to want to fight your own battles by your choice.

You cannot want to hold on to what is unnecessary and try and balance what is necessary.  It will not work.  You will defeat yourself...... To your own detriment.

I hope this is the first and last time...... But I know that without more effort on your part, there are many more battles to come...... With yourself..... With me........

Difficult

Something was not right with you today.  You were so grumpy.  Something disturbing your mind.  Encroaching on your behaviour.

I tried not to panic.  I knew what it was.  I knew you had to do these battles on your own.

You got angry and short tempered with me. Something you so rarely are with me. Morning came and went.  You told me that you had fallen. Succumbed.

This evening you went out for dinner with some friends. You told me that you would try and not indulge too much.

Already there in your words, I knew that your excuses for doing the "deed" had started as I had told you they would......

January 22

I feel numb.  

I walked into an empty house and an even more empty bedroom.

I feel so forlorn.  The loneliness for you penetrating the very core of my soul.

I look around my home seeing everything, but registering nothing.

What have you done to me my love?

48 hrs

In less than 48 hrs, you will be away from me.

I hate this.  I hate this separation - albeit a temporary one.

I watch you.  I take in every breath of you so that I have you imprinted onto my mind and body.

Am I too intense?

Then you turn and look at me..............And I see the same intensity in your eyes..............

Trembling

I woke up trembling and shaking this morning.

The reality of the days getting shorter to the time when you leave me to my lonely self again.

Where have these days of brilliant sunshine and love gone?

Too fast.... too soon..... I want to slow everything down.  I want time to stop.  I want us to forever remain as we are now.  So happy together.

But life is cruel.  Life is harsh and unrelenting.

Will it tear us apart?  Will it tear our love apart in time?

We cannot go back to yesterday.  But we have our beautiful yesterdays together that no one can take away from us.

I will impatiently await until you come back to me.  I will impatiently await until you are in my arms again...... Feeling your kisses.... Feeling you close to me.

Oh how I will miss you so.....................

Sometimes

Sometimes you scare me.  I cannot read you at all.  I do not know if you are joking or serious and it just scares me.

I told you that you are getting irritated with me.  You tell me that you are never angry with me. That you could never be. I hope so.

I am ever so soft and gentle with you.  I am a very loving soul. A soul that loves you.  

It would really hit me hard if you were ever angry with me.

Too Soon

Too soon.....too fast.....time has brought us back to reality.... to the reality that is us and our lives.

Soon you will leave me to go back to get ready to move here.

The ever cynical me is holding my breath least you decide that it is too hard to come make a life with me.  Then what will become of us?  What will become of me?

I will soon face again long lonely days without your gentle touches and teasing kisses that somehow usually rise to the heights of passion.  You do crazy things to my emotions.

For the millionth, zillionth, trillionth time I wish we had met much earlier in life and oh what a wonderful life we would have had.

You are my soulmate.  We have this uncanny affinity for stuff.  We hold hands when we sleep.  We reach out and search for each other in the dark.....

My friends tell me this is only the beginning.  That things will peter out.... Well..... I do not know the future.  I know I am a great romantic.  And I know that despite all your bravado you put on, you love me deeply.  It shows in your eyes.  

And eyes never lie.

I wish

I wish I could tell the whole world how much I love you...... How I am so in love with you..... How you touch my heart...... my very soul.....

I wish so many things for you..... all the happiness, health, peace and contentment that the world has to offer......

I could tell you I love you over and over again..... Write those words in the sky..... and it would still not be enough to describe just how it is with me over you.....

You have made me once again find laughter in my life..... Find joy in the simplest of things..... Found the smile that I had thought I had left far far behind.

How can I not fall in love with someone like you?????  Love your gentle ways with me..... Chasing away all my fears..... Teaching me to not be afraid of letting anyone near my fragile heart.....

No lies..... No cheating..... No hiding.....Just honesty..... Just a tender love.....That has reached out and touched my lonely lost heart.

How I love you.

Dreams

You have told me your dreams..... Your yearning for escapism..... I do not understand.  I try to.

In this aspect we are not alike.  I am a pure realist come what may.  You have dreams.  I have made my dreams a reality. You have remained in your dreams.  You have had to.....

I feel sad for you.  I wish I could protect you from everything.  Make you happy.  But will that be enough for you. 

Will my love for you be enough...... Or will I have to someday set you free to search for your dreams?

Away

We have planned a little getaway...... you and I.

I wish it could be for longer..... I wish it could be forever..... Away from all this heartache and drudgery of life..... But that would not be real......  I am a realist.  At the end of the day, reality is all that we have.... All that we have to face.

I cannot wait for those few days alone with you...... Where I can just be me..... with you.

Laughter

You have brought back laughter into my life.

My friends are noticing that I am no longer sad.  They say I laugh a lot and my face is no more etched with frowns.

Such a difference.  Such a joy to know happiness again.

I Thank You.

Tremble

When I awake in the mornings and you are not by my side, I tremble in panic of being alone.

Is so childish and silly to feel so lost like that.  I wonder why I feel this way...... I really should not because the reality of things is that you will soon leave me, and our little "honeymoon" time of being utterly carefree will be over as we return to harsh reality.

I hope we will be strong enough to face the onslaughts.  I hope you will be as clear as I am on the direction we are taking.  I hope you will walk this journey with me confident in the love we share.

Each Day

I love you more with each passing day.

The ever cynical me is beginning to believe in for always.

Why?

Why does love never ever able to run smoothly?

We are so happy, and yet, the realities of life bring us down with a cruel bump.

You have to find a way to make a living, while I must stand by and let you make your own way so that you will have some self-pride in you.

I will be your support though.  I will be there should you fall.  I promise you.

Somehow our joy at being together and so in love, is being tinge with the sadness of reality.

But ever the optimist, I know that love can conquer all..... I know that together we will be able to overcome much.  We just need to stay strong.

Braised Chicken Feet and Shitake Mushrooms

I cooked us a special treat today.

I did not know that you liked chicken feet too, so it was delightful when I asked you if you ate it, and you said you loved it.  I showed off then and showed you my prowess in the kitchen.

We finally decided on a whole kilogram of chicken feet with shitake mushrooms (specially from Japan given to me as a gift from a good friend) braised slowly in the oven with some spices.

The result was......... us deciding on just a few as an appetiser, but ended up eating the whole amount and then we had dinner to contend with.....

And how we had to pretend to eat dinner when we were both stuffed with out earlier "appetiser".

It was so much fun.  Sharing something with someone who has the same likes and dislikes as me.......

I love it!  I love you!  Braised Chicken Feet with Shitake Mushrooms forever!!!!!

Fish Pond

I took you to a fish farm/restaurant today.

It was way way out in the countryside.  

You were delighted with the experience of walking out onto the pontoon and feeding the fish while we waited for our lunch to be prepared.

It was all so peaceful and wonderful.

I took photos of your sweet face as you fed the fish.  The look of wonder and delight in your face just took my breath away.

Everything was too perfect as we just took in the beauty of nature and talked softly and intimately as lovers' do.

I did not think it could have been more perfect...... But it could have been if only I could have kissed you.

Health

You went for a health screening today.

I worry now over the results.  Worry about how you will take it should anything be wrong...... I do not feel there is anything to worry about but..... your history is not too good.

I do not want us to end anytime soon.  I do not want wait to play any cruel games on us.  

Fate brought us together.  It should at least let us have our time together.

My heart would break should we have to part for any reason.

And they do say that people die of broken hearts.......

A Sweet Way to Greet My Morning

This morning I woke up in panic.  You were not laying next to me.

I forgot that you were not feeling too well, and had decided to go to the guestroom so that I could sleep on without being disturbed by your moving about.

You are so thoughtful.  It is usually I that do things like that.....It is I who will do unselfish acts like that..... 

You are so refreshing....A whiff of a wonderful breeze wafting through my life.

And even more of a delightful surprise was that you had prepared breakfast for me.  Messaging me to say "Good Morning" and that you were waiting me to come and have breakfast with you.

You greeted me with a kiss that warmed me all over.

I hope you will always stay.

Breakfast

Today I took you to breakfast.

I had been planning this for such a long time..... A lazy morning with you.... Just you and me..... Relaxed.... In to each other..... In love..... Enjoying our time together.

It was all I ever dreamed about.  We laughed and were so relaxed.  We had pure joy of togetherness.

I also saw another side of you I did not expect..... Your protectiveness of me.  It touched my soul. 

Never in my dreams had I expected to be this happy being in love with someone who was so in love and so in tuned to me.

I truly love you.

Happy New Year 2018

Happy New Year 2018 my sweet one.

Tonight we spent our first New Year's together.  I hope we have many many more to come.

I love having you in my life.

You are everything I have dreamed of having in my life.  You are the part of me that I have finally found.

I so happy I have found you. And I hope that you are happy that you have found me too.....  

We do seem to really enjoy each other and we seem lost in the love we share.

To all the years to come my darling.